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Motivational Speaker’s Top 10 Signs That Maybe You Should Not Be Allowed To Reproduce

27 Mar Posted by in Family Stuff, Uncategorized | Comments

Kelly Swanson’s Top Ten Signs That Maybe You Should Not Be Allowed To Reproduce

I find it amazing that in this country you have to pass a test to drive, reach a certain age to drink, get a license to fish, yet anyone can have a kid. They won’t even let you take a stray cat home without three background checks and periodic drop ins to make sure you’ve given them the bedroom with the best sunlight. But you don’t have to do anything to be a parent – except, well, you know. Yes, anyone can be a parent. No questions asked. We go through more hoops to get a library card.  They won’t give my cousin Noreen a driver’s license because she keeps forgetting the signs – but they let that woman have as many kids as she wants – the woman whose entire mission in life is to have kids so that when they grow up she can date their boyfriends, and then they can all get on Jerry Springer and fight about it. No lie.

I must get approved to get insurance, but I can go hook up with a three legged man at a carnival who has his mother’s face tattooed on his chest and her ashes in a vial around his neck- have a moment of passion – and bingo, procreation. I’m telling you, there should be some sort of law or at least some guidelines. I think there should be some sort of minimum you have to reach to be a parent. Or at least have you wait in line for a license. I know – it’ll never happen – that whole freedom thing. But just for the sake of discussion, I would like to share my list with you. The top ten signs that maybe you should not reproduce. If they’re going to protect fish, they might try to protect these poor children.

1.            If you have a bedroom dedicated to your Chia Pet collection. You should not be allowed to reproduce.

2.            If your greatest ambition for your child is that she win the pageant, even if you have to take out the competition. You should not be allowed to reproduce.

3.            If the process of naming your child started with the words, “Wouldn’t it be funny?” You should not be having children.

4.            If you wear pajamas and slippers to the gas station. Spare them the agony. Don’t reproduce.

5.            If you hang plastic genitalia on the truck and wonder why they didn’t make you PTA President. Yeah, you should not reproduce.

6.            If your Christmas cards involve your teenage son sitting on Santa’s lap at the local mall. You should not be allowed to have children.

7.            If you make your son wear smocked overalls with colored trains on them to middle school. You should not be allowed to reproduce.

8.            If you are saving that picture of him in the bathtub for when he gets married to put in the dinner rehearsal video. You should not be allowed to reproduce. Or plan weddings.

9.            If you’re going to stand on the side of the pool in your new polka-dotted skirted plus-sized bathing suit, screaming to your kid to come in out of the water it’s time for his diarrhea medication. You should NOT be allowed to have children.

10.          If you plan on naming your baby after a car, a disease, or a brand of hair spray. You should not have children.

11.          If your baby is switched in the hospital and you don’t want to trade back cause this one is cuter. Maybe you should not reproduce.

12.          If you want kids so you’ll have somebody to mime with on the street corner. Maybe you should think twice.

13.          If you wear socks with sandals, tape on your glasses, safety pen the hem on your pants, and own tank tops with class of ’86 lit up in lights – you should not be allowed to reproduce.

14.          If you can’t remember who’s vice president, but can name every one of Angelina and Brad’s kids. You should not be allowed to reproduce.

15.          If you think everybody is entitled to free hair care. Yep, back of the line Buster.

16.          If you think that last one didn’t apply to you because your name isn’t Buster. You don’t need to be having children.

17.          If you think deep fried Snickers should be a food group. Maybe you don’t need to be having children.

18.          If you think it’s okay to breastfeed at a salad bar. You should not be allowed to reproduce.

19.          If you have worn, or ever plan on wearing a Speedo through the hotel lobby. You should not be allowed to reproduce.

20.          If you take off your wedding garter belt to use as a headband for your bald baby girl. You should not be allowed to reproduce.

21.          If you title an article “ten things” and then name twenty, maybe you should not be allowed to reproduce.


Your wacky motivational speaker, who never should have been allowed to reproduce!

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