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It’s A Small World…

13 Oct Posted by in Random Observations | 13 comments

P1010007 Okay, so we just got back from Disney World– well, actually we got back about a week ago – I just needed a little time to check myself into a theme park recovery clinic to detox my new addiction to overpriced sodas and verses of It’s a Small World. I can almost sleep through the night now without having flashbacks of plastic dolls with frozen smiles spinning around above my head, and overweight hairy women wearing white after Labor Day.  Our trip started with two thoughts that proved to be completely false: Surely it will be cool in October, and surely since school has started the lines won’t be long.

I still remember singing Disney songs as we drove under the grand entrance to the magical kingdom – magic being an appropriate name, since all of your money does magically disappear.  We ran through the entrance to the theme park holding hands and having a wonderful family moment worthy of a TV commercial. Not even an hour later and my feet are blistered, I’ve cried twice, and I’m trying to find a way to hang myself with the scarf around Goofy’s neck. Yes, that lovable costume-clad creature who waved at my son and sent him into anaphylactic shock at the sight of his beloved cartoon character up close. I can understand – the same thing happened to me when I saw Geraldo at the airport.

We’re reviving Junior with a spinning toy that I had to schedule payments for, while this pack of women dressed in bulging Capri pants and jewel studded T-shirts made for chests half their size come running from three miles back screaming It’s Goofy! It’s Goofy! like they had just spotted a free buffet of fried chicken served off of Toby Keith’s torso.  They descended on Goofy like a gang beating, throwing their children at him and clawing for their cameras while their sequin studded body parts wrestled each other from underneath their spandex prisons to get a good look.  I think Goofy died a little that day, and I’ve no doubt he will one day be on the news telling us all how his gazillion dollar corporation all started the day he hit rock bottom, threw away his big white feet, and decided to change his life.

It was so hot in Florida that people were imagining hell to cool off and I actually saw a woman beat her husband to within an inch of his life over a plastic bottle of water. I can understand – that water cost more than the shoes I was wearing.  And, by the way, if you believe in the devil, he invented the spinning tea cup ride. And if you ever make it to the Space Mountain ride – that wart cream remover is mine – it fell out of my purse. And get ready, because you’re going to wait an hour for a bumpy ride that lasts two minutes – which actually prepares you for marital relations if you think about it.  And I think there should be a law against teaching a child not to stare and then making him stand in line at Disney World. I thought about hanging myself twice but figured nobody would have even noticed my body except to let their kids climb on top for a picture.

By the end of the day three thousand couples got a divorce – four thousand suffered spousal abuse, Mickey had to be taken away by the ambulance, and somebody puked in Cinderella’s castle, which didn’t bother me because my son saved me the suspense and puked in the car on the way up. I had to pawn my wedding ring to afford a hotdog. They told me I owed them a dollar more.

And then somebody’s kid disappeared. And I still remember the panic stricken look on the mother’s face and the way my heart constricted as if it were my own child. And how strangers dropped what they were doing to look for a child they’d never met. Because all of us knew how easily it could be us. We found her over by the ice cream stand  and relief lit up all our faces as the world was made right again.  And I realized that no matter how crazy the world seems – how different we may look on the outside – or what we choose to fight about – inside, we love our children just the same. We love them enough to dance like an idiot – to have our face painted to match theirs – to wait in line for an hour just to watch their face light up. Yep, I guess it is a small world after all.

Crap. Now the song is back in my head.

P.S.  For the record, to a five-year-old the words I have to pee often mean I’ve already pee’d and it’s going to take you the rest of your life to get the smell out of the minivan.

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  1. Elizabeth Hagen10-13-09

    You are an amazing writer – I felt I was right there and right there with the woman who lost her child. Great blog post!

  2. Becky McCrary10-13-09

    You are my favorite, Kelly. When I grow up, I want to be just like you. Or maybe I won’t grow up, you can be my Mom, and we can go to Disney World! YEAH!

  3. Tricia Ling10-14-09

    You are hilarious!!!! just remember you’re making memories!!!!

  4. Christine Martinello10-14-09

    Awesome article Kelly – funny, realistic, poignant. . . thanks for sharing C’mon sing along with me: “It’s a better world after all!” – now the songs in my head too. :)

  5. Janet Harllee10-14-09

    Kelly,

    You are amazing! It brought back memories of when we were at Disney World. Keep writing, girl.

  6. Lara Williams10-20-09

    You crack me up–literally laughing out loud. Keep it up funny lady!

  7. Stefania Chirico06-04-10

    Exactly info i has been looking out for. Very well put too.

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  10. Rhonda Casey06-06-10

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    HA! Nothing beats finding some useful information,for my research,keep em coming. ;-)

  12. Micheal Muramoto06-13-10

    Nice post! You truly have a wonderful way of writing which I find captivating! I will definitely be bookmarking you and returning to your blog. In fact, your post reminded me about a strange thing that happened to me the other day. I’ll tell you about that later…

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