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If My Family Were On CSI

25 Feb Posted by in Random Observations | 1 comment

I’ll admit it. I’m hooked on that show, CSI. I can just hear that opening theme song and my little heart will soar. But even I have to admit that it’s a tad bit unrealistic – the way all the employees are hot, never say anything stupid, and don’t gag when they see an arm bone sticking up through flesh. And how is it they can bend down in the middle of a football field at midnight and find that one tiny nose hair that solves the crime? Kind of like the guy on Law and Order Criminal Intent who sniffs everything. In our house we call him the sniffer (yeah, we’re original) and we also call him a fraud. Nobody can peel a layer of gunk off the bottom of a sneaker and identify it as the Indonesian tribal war gum found on the tips of darts in the late 1700′s. And even if he could, well, that’s nothing. My uncle, Buster, can smell a fart from three rooms away and tell you what you had for breakfast. Now that’s talent. In fact, just once I’d like to see someone like my family on CSI.

For starters, if our house ever became a crime scene, you could hang it up. No way you’ll find any credible evidence buried under all the layers of paint, dust bunnies, and shelves of Beanie Babies lining the guest room walls. Seriously, I could stab somebody, drag their body across the length of my house and dump them in the backyard and the detectives would never make it past the living room where they’d spend all day trying to identify the gunk stuck to the wall where my poodle threw up last Thanksgiving after eating Aunt Eunice’s olive and spam casserole.

In fact, if my family were the CSI detectives, the show would be a whole lot different. For starters, they’d get to the crime scene late if there was a Daisy Donuts on the way – and if there was a liquor store en route, well, case closed, they’d never make it at all.  They’d have to take a cab to the scene what with Skeeter losing his license and all. And Uncle Edsel wouldn’t be able to come if the crime happened within two hundred feet of a school.   If it were a drug related crime, you could bet my brother String Bean would steal the dope, and Aunt Marge would not be able to pass up this opportunity to compare her latest ailment to the dead guy with the fireplace poker coming out of his head. Well, that’s nothing, I had gall bladder surgery and it like to have killed me. See, I got the scar to prove it. Go ahead – touch it.

My cousin, Fritz, the interior decorator and all around “go to” guy for questions related to style, wouldn’t have time to search for a murder weapon, too distracted by the more obvious horror of the victim having combined that orange sofa with the floral drapes – just what has the world come to. My third cousin, Buford, would want to know who is getting the Dodge Dart that’s sitting on wheels out front, while his twin boys, Lester and Nester, would be staring bug-eyed directly into the victim’s wound in awe. Awesome dude! Now that’s gonna leave a mark!

If my family did CSI – I’m afraid the show wouldn’t last a season. Then again, maybe it’d be the next greatest hit and we’d all be famous and start fighting over money and who got more, and Marge would be mad that she didn’t get as much air time as Loretta. And Skeeter would be mad because they wrote him out of the last episode on account of the whole mooning incident. And things would spiral quickly out of control and a fight would break out, and we’d all end up in the hospital just like an episode of ER. Now can you see if my family were on ER? But I’m afraid that’s a blog post for another day.

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  1. Janet Harllee02-25-10

    Great job Kelly. Your brain is outrageous! Keep ‘em comin’.

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