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A message from Cinderella

17 Mar Posted by in Random Observations | Comments

Hey, it’s Cinderella. Remember me? I was the one who was always whining because I had to clean floors and my sisters were mean – the one who just couldn’t be happy without a man – the one who married a prince and made the whole world happy – the one with all kinds of mommy issues. I was the one who became famous for achieving absolutely nothing. And you thought Paris Hilton was the first.

Anyway, I’m just here to tell you that the whole princess thing didn’t work out too well. Our castle foreclosed and I had to go get a job. Turns out there’s not a high demand for princesses who can whistle and waltz with squirrels. I wait tables now over at Chubby’s House of Chili. I thought my stepmother was mean – you should see Esther Peterson when you step on the line to her oxygen tank. And you try cleaning up after all-you-can-eat chili night – makes scrubbing floors seem like a dream job.

That charming prince I waited sixteen years for? Yeah, well I got him all right. Waited sixteen years for him, and spent the next thirty trying to get rid of him. Don’t ever marry a man you’ve only known for a fortnight. Remember when he sang and danced with me in the forest? Yeah, that ended ten minutes after you closed the book. He was out of his tights faster than my relatives get out of paying the check.

Okay, so I did have a fairy godmother. You’ve got them too – they’re just called Life Coaches now, and they aren’t free like they were back then. And I’m not so sure that fairy godmother could see into the future after all, or she would have told me to wish for something else!

Back in the day I used to be skinny and everything used to face forward. And then the fairy tale ended and things started shifting and now I look like I’m wearing a fanny pack even when I’m not. I used to wish for butterflies and rainbows (back then it was more acceptable) and now I just wish my nipples would face in the same direction. Yes, I said nipple. I’m Cinderella for gosh sakes, not a saint. You princesses today have it worse than I did. Now you have to get botox, gel-filled boobies, and a colon cleanse before you can even enter the race to find your charming prince.

So I’m single again. Charming Prince found another young woman in a dungeon waiting for him to come save her. Bless her heart. And I have found that the dating world has completely changed. It used to be men would come knocking on your door asking if you were the owner of the other glass slipper. Now we have to meet each other on the internet. I thought the big bad wolf was dangerous – the internet is a dating mine field. I know full well that Robin Hood does not still have all his hair – I recognize that picture from his high school yearbook. The pickings are slim these days in the charming prince category. We used to look for men who ruled kingdoms – now we just pray they have all their teeth and a pulse.

Facebook has allowed me to reconnect with all the old gang. Snow White is now Snow Orange, thanks to cheap self tanner. She was going to do a reality show – a kind of remake of the whole seven dwarf season of her life – but the TV producers decided that was just too creepy – even for a reality show.  Beauty is still with the Beast only now it’s really hard to tell them apart because she hasn’t aged well. But they are happy – makes sense – she went for the personality. Sleeping Beauty has a potion addiction and now sleeps even more than she used to. Little Red Riding Hood tried to recapture her youth by finding another bear’s house to break into, and that didn’t end so well. Let’s just say little bear cub number three loves the new red cape he got for Christmas. How’s Pinnochio? Being human was too much for him. He just couldn’t hang with real responsibility – turned back into wood and all I’ve got to say is one word – termites. Peter Pan, however, is doing great. He moved to New York where flying around in tights isn’t such a big deal.

Now that I look back, the whole mean stepmother and evil sisters, and cleaning out fireplaces – well, wasn’t so bad after all. In fact, life was easy then. So you see – that whole fairy tale thing. If you didn’t get it – you’re not missing anything. In fact, I hate to break it to you, but that whole happily-ever-after thing? A sham. I’m talking a bigger sham than spray on hair – a bigger let down than the Chia Pet.

There is no happily ever after, the OZ was a fake, and if you see a little yellow brick road? I’ve got a number for a nice little treatment center that will fix you right up. And don’t even get me started on superheroes. I ran into Spiderman, Superman, and Batman over at Walmart. Time has not treated them well at all. They just can’t compete. Even combined they don’t have as much power as the government. They’re thinking of trading in their superhero costumes for a suit, a mistress, and a magic book of hidden agendas.

As much as I have loved being a part of your life all these years – it’s time to let me go. It’s time to quit running after this fairy tale idea of life and find the beauty in the life you’ve got. And I’ve got a little secret. Once you realize all this and quit looking for the fairy tale – life will be easier, you’ll count your blessings, and you will actually be happy for a change. Go figure.

Just Keeping It Real,

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