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It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like The Day After Christmas

27 Dec Posted by in Motivational Speaker | 4 comments

Another Christmas holiday has passed and like most experiences in my life, I try to learn something from it. So here’s what your favorite, or maybe only, motivational speaker learned this year:

  • It’s safe to say that I definitely want to kill the little drummer boy. He shouldn’t be drumming around a sleeping baby anyway. And, no, for the hundredth time – I do not hear what you hear. Sleigh bells are so yesterday. Singing chipmunks belong in horror movies, not Christmas songs.  The Twelve days of Christmas needed to stop at two. And tell me who is ever happy about getting a partridge in their stocking? I’m happy you’ll be home for Christmas, but you only had to tell me once. Good grief. I get it. And Baby, I know it’s cold outside – so either stay or go – but make up your mind already, I’m sick of hearing about it.
  • The only thing worse than buying my gift at the gas station, is naming a star after me. And I don’t want a goat either.
  • Nativity scene figures on the front lawn should not be made of hollow plastic, but wood or steel,  and weighted down – unless you’re okay with strong gusts of wind that leave you having to explain to your three-year-old why three wise men ended up in the sand box and Baby Jesus is now hanging from the telephone wire beside that high top tennis shoe.
  • Alcohol should have a warning label that says: Warning: Consuming large amounts of this substance will not make your relatives easier to handle.
  • A multi-tool is not a romantic gift, and a disaster survival kit from your spouse will probably be taken the wrong way.
  • Socks and underwear are never fun gifts. I don’t care how old you are.
  • To whoever put the plastic reindeer in my front yard into all those “compromising situations” – I will find you, and you will pay.
  • If you go to a drive-thru nativity scene with live animals – just remember this – camels spray.  And I’m pretty sure that the angel shouldn’t have chest hair – but good call putting Bertha in as a Roman guard, what with the hair on her chin and all.
  • All handmade gifts should come with a card attached telling you what it is supposed to be.
  • Your baby is cute until it throws up on my Christmas sweater.
  • Never bring an oxygen tank to a candlelight service. Enough said.
  • If you buy a personal massager from the Brookstone Catalog for your grandmother – you might want to make sure that “personal massager” means what you think it does.
  • We do care about how your surgery went  – but was the slide show really necessary?
  • The Pirates of the Caribbean Lego set should say: Ages 7 to 49.
  • If Santa brings a toy that has twenty-seven pages of instructions, in thirty-four different languages, and requires its own set of tools to assemble – he should die.
  • When all is said and done – it really wasn’t about the presents.
  • The season is over. The songs are done. The food is eaten. I’ve gotten rid of the little drummer boy’s body. And I’m still celebrating the birth of my King. Because He didn’t come and ask me to give the 25th for Him. He came and asked me to give my life for Him.

I hope your holiday season was filled with warmth, laughter, and memories that will last a lifetime – and that 2012 is filled with more of the same. See you on the other side of the calendar! Your wacky motivational speaker, Kelly Swanson.

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  1. Linda Larsen12-27-11

    Funny, funny, funny. And with a GREAT bottom line!

  2. Kelly Swanson12-27-11

    Thank you Linda Larsen motivational speaker!

  3. Motivational Speaker12-29-11

    lol! Yes, the holidays are so much more than the presents. It’s also the memories and the crazy antics and relatives we love and put up with. :)

  4. kelly12-30-11

    You are exactly right! If it weren’t for relatives, I’d have no material!!! Happy new year! Motivational speaker, kelly Swanson

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