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10 Ways To Get Out Of Helping on Thanksgiving Day…By Your Wacky Motivational Speaker, Kelly Swanson

21 Nov Posted by in Holidays, Motivational Speaker | Comments

There are plenty of holiday tips out there to help you make a moist turkey, decorate a beautiful table, and bake cakes that come out light and fluffy. But I have yet to see an article on how to get out of helping on Thanksgiving Day – for those lazy people out there like me who just want to eat, relax, and be thankful.  So your wacky motivational speaker is coming to the rescue once again, with ten surefire ways to get out of doing anything helpful on Thanksgiving Day.

  1. Tell everybody that you’re not sure you will be able to make it – that you won’t know until the last minute and if there’s not enough food, you can stop by the McDonald’s on the way and bring your own chicken nuggets – which of course they will insist you not do. This gets you out of being assigned a dish to bring.
  2. Wait in the street until the last group is walking in. If you arrive early they will put you to work. If you arrive too late, they will notice you. You need to arrive in the midst of chaos. Some particularly crafty dodgers will arrive right before dinner, but you run the risk of not having a good seat.
  3. Walk in exclaiming that you could make it after all. Give out hugs and kisses and lavish compliments that will make them forget you came in empty handed. Tell them you have to make an important work call and that you will be right back. Then disappear.
  4. Cover your fingers in leftover oatmeal before you arrive, then whenever you get into the kitchen where the real work is, complain about a rash on your fingers that seems to be oozing something. Ask everyone to look at it. Then offer to help string the beans. If you forget the oatmeal, keep sneezing and complaining about how you can’t seem to get your nose to stop running.
  5. If you must do a task, offer to set the table. This is a great chore, as you can stretch it out as long as you want and nobody will realize that it has taken you three hours.
  6. Rotate your way among the house, talking with various people, snacking, taking in some television. When you’re tired of talking to Great Aunt Ruth who has been propped up in the living room wingback, tell her that you’ve got to go because you promised Uncle George you’d help carve the turkey.  Go laugh it up with UncleGeorgiaand then tell him you’ve got to go because you promised your cousin Sarah you’d watch the kids while she set the table. Run outside with the kids  – stay as long as you want until they ask you to actually play with them and then tell them you have to go inside and help get dinner ready, and proceed with what I refer to as the Rotating Excuse Networking Plan until it is time for dinner. Works like a charm, as everybody thinks you were busy helping somebody else. Make sure you give people advice at every stop. They love that.
  7. Find something around the house that needs fixing, maybe a sink or a burned out light bulb in the attic and make a big to-do about how you need to fix it while you are here. Disappear. Go read a book – take a walk. Reappear when it’s time for dinner. When all is said and done, claim that you are so sorry but you weren’t able to fix it after all and recommend a good repair guy.
  8. See if you can get pregnant by Thanksgiving. This will often give you a reprieve. Unless you’re a man.
  9. When it’s time to clear the table and do the dishes, you need to have a rock solid plan in place. If dropping the good china didn’t work last year, I recommend intestinal distress right before dessert – an important phone call timed to occur just as the coffee is being poured – or simply excusing yourself to go to the restroom and staying there for an hour.
  10. And when all else fails – fake a kidney stone. Make sure you know where your kidneys are located or this could backfire on you. Trust me.  If you did that last year, pull a drunk. They will notice you aren’t helping and hate you for it – but now you simply won’t care.

And there you have it – ten ways to get out of lifting a finger on Thanksgiving Day. Don’t say I never taught you anything! Now I’ve got to run – I feel a kidney stone coming on. And Aunt Ethel needs me in the kitchen.

Happy Thanksgiving,

From one of your favorite, wacky and ever-so-thankful motivational speakers, Kelly Swanson

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